[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
broke down and did it
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.