Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!