[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Order here:
More here:
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground