@david8hughes

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

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@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

@neiltyson

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

@isabelzawtun

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

@clichedout

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

@Darlainky

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@HidingNDAttic

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!