Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
These 3D printers are insane!
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry