My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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There’s no “us” in nachos.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Trumpy Cat
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts