[Painting the mona lisa]

Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg

Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE

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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything


I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, “Wow. That’s annoying.” and you’re like, “I know.”


GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we’ll let u go
BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs


Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!


I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.


I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”


Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”


*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”


21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.


Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer