*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself