“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
No, he would not have.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.