Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.