@davidkenny100

Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Later…
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur

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@hipstermermaid

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

@Parkerlawyer

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

@drankturpentine

HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?

@1CleverGirl1

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

@wendchymes

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

@LurkAtHomeMom

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

@mom_ontherocks

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

@stockejock

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

@Ideal_Victoria

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.