Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur

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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.


I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.


HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?


If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science


Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.


When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.


I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.


Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.


Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.


There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.