Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I’m sure it’s fine.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins