Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*