I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
me: no shoes in the house
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t