Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

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I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.


Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?


Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15


My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.


My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.


I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.


[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t