Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Sing it!
no regrets
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.