A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
Everybody shoots Cupid with an arrow.
My neighbor’s diary says I have boundary issues.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”
ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”
S: “No we watch stars.”
M: “Wars or Trek?”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”