@Spaziotwat

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

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@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@awkwardphilippe

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@JumbledButts

STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”

ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”

S: “No we watch stars.”

M: “Wars or Trek?”

@Rollinintheseat

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”