[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
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Carlos.
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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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Me: Hold my goat
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Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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