Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Curved TV Problems..
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed