If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.