Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
You Might Also Like
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no