@TheOnion: Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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@Crutnacker: Biden: Trump's sons were nice Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day B: Uday and Qusay?
@FrenulumBreve: cop: "you're drunk, get out of the car." judas: "bbut I've bbeen on tthe water all night." - [jesus whistles innocently]
@CornOnTheGoblin: [to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
@eddie_ferrero: [FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL] INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks. ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry. INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.