@TheOnion: Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
@PS_IRuddYou: This girl text me: "your adorable I text back: no YOU'RE adorable Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
@sixfootcandy: [pre-op] Me: In just a few minutes we'll administer your euthanasia. Patient: Don't you mean anesthesia? Me: Sure. Whatever.