Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
May have had one breakfast too many
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Awesome parenting 😂
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.