Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.