I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
TIME wanted me to be their Person of the Year, but I said no! Won’t pose with Pennywise the Clown on my lap! Sorry, TIME! Sad!!!
ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?
MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.
Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.
Me: *swallows* It’s donut.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
If my wife ever leaves me, I’m going with her.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?