Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

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I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them


ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No


[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start


I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.


TIME wanted me to be their Person of the Year, but I said no! Won’t pose with Pennywise the Clown on my lap! Sorry, TIME! Sad!!!


ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.


Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.

Me: *swallows* It’s donut.


Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking


me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?