@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

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@DamienFahey

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Narcissist? Let’s just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.

@WheelTod

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

@KatMcSnatch

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

@lynyrdsbackyard

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

@_elvishpresley_

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

@WilliamAder

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

@onume_

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.