Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon