Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
This squirrel eats better than I do
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery