Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me