Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.



So what’s a personal strength?


And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”


If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats


Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.


Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.


[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper


Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.


ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…


So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day


shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice