@NewDadNotes

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

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@Kobykincaid

One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@sreekyshooter

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

@hardasamother

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

@NJPsychDoc

Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.

@onion_an

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

@IveGotMutuals

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

@iamspacegirl

ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…

@robin_991

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice