Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
when you are just born a rebel
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.