*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
That’s easy for you to say
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.