*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats