My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*
Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back.
It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.