@WildeThingy

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

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@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

@PinkCamoTO

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

@junejuly12

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

@Parkerlawyer

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

@SuperApple80

Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.

@iamburtjarvis

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

@HandfulOfLewds

Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.

@iamspacegirl

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

@imasmartass37

I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back.

It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.