Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
4 pm:
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
mariah carrie
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can