@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

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@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@CulturedRuffian

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

@nypost

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

@huntigula

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

@Only_Fast_Eddie

People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

@iwearaonesie

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

@meredithmo

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

@thatdutchperson

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed