Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.