Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
You Might Also Like
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
they split up moments later
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.