Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.