Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden