Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
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If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I want to meet the individual who made this
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)