Pantibros before pantihose?

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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]


In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.


I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.


My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.


If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.


I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.


[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?


*Wife screams*


*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”


I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.