@NotJPo

Pantibros before pantihose?

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@dave_cactus

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@Shock_Monster

In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.

@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@Aricka_Shuck

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

@nv7281

If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.

@KateWhineHall

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

@JohnLyonTweets

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

@SteveSuckington

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

@AngryRaccoon2

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.