Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
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Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT