Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
he chose this
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.