Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away
PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.