Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

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society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week


[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt


Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.


Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.


If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.


I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.


Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.


Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business