@LimeyTheGreat

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

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@jannable9

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

@simoncholland

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

@GrantTanaka

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

@Brewsker

PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.

@JessObsess

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

@KalvinMacleod

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

@Shade510

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

@Mom_Overboard

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.