papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.