Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
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Fluff me with a fork baby
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
presenting your incognito window wrapped
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.