Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active