PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee

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[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out


and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area


Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.


I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.


“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.


Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.


If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.


*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet


Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.