@Brampersandon_

PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee

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@ThugRaccoons

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

@robknepper

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

@3sunzzz

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

@Anita_nap

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

@TheTweetOfGod

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

@senorwinces

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@jazmasta

Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.