Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I identify as an antique shop.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.