Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Teenage Mutant African Mammals