@sageboggs

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

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@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@living_marble

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

@TheThomason

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@lazerdoov

I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast

@AnOrangeSNES

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

@Izianikapani

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.