Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The little toadstool has spoken.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is