*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
the saddest jazz hands ever
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
john wicks are toilet candles
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?