Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
You Might Also Like
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
When you’re Kinky but poor
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
is frankincense just very honest incense?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.