Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
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[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.