Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.


Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.


When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.


My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.


Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.


Millennials, quit whining. I paid off $150,000 in student loans and own a $400,000 home, because I SAVE. It’s not that hard. I
-Make coffee at home
-Bus instead of Uber
-Shop sales
-Had parents pay off my loans & buy me a house because I’m daddy’s special boy
-Got Hulu with ads


My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”


My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.


Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!


If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.