Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this