*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot

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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope


CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria


I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.


*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees


Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta


Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.


[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely


(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*


I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.