I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
You Might Also Like
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can鈥檛鈥eed to work on my business idea.
Me: What鈥檚 your business idea?
10y/o: I鈥檓 gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don鈥檛 work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.