@sad_tree

*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot

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@3sunzzz

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

@UnFitz

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

@QueefTornado

I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.

@ewfeez

*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees

@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@YeezyEducatedMe

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

@truegritrumble

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.