When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*