If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?