@MarfSalvador

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

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@BryMastas

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

@mixedmediapaper

i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

@theB6Chronicles

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

@just1fool

Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

@Marlebean

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*