Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.