PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.