[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Hot hot hot 🥵
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
operators are standing by to ignore your call
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them