@murrman5

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

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@thatUPSdude

Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.

@WelBeast

“I don’t want to disappoint you”

First of all, I support Arsenal

@TuffyNyC

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

@ericsshadow

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

@PajamaStew

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

@Sickayduh

SON: what ya reading?
DAD: a huge book on podiatry
SON: how long is it?
DAD: it’s about a foot

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

@HiddleDeeDee

6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.