[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50


You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.


[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out


Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.


We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.


I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.


When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe


Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M


The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.