@BrandonBrown522

Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.

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@EndhooS

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

@buhsbaby_baby

[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off

@sixfootcandy

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

@PuckingItUp

Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@SortaBad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

@AverageClo

On a scale from 1 – overweight black woman, how confident are you?