@BillMc7

Paranoid Mexicans have a Hispanic room.

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@papasuncle

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

@bea_ker

GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No

@WorstCassie

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

@c12h22o11balls

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@SpaceCatPics

“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”

@GorillaNipples1

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

@neonsinatra

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

@_davidsc

Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him