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It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.